Who on God’s Green Earth?!

I got my hair done yesterday–a body wave to bring life back to this straight, stringy, uncooperative mess. All the antibiotics and other meds pumped into my system from December 2012 through March 2013 messed with my hair somehow and made it moodier than ever. And since it was rarely in the mood to do what I wanted it to, I tried to make what it wanted to do work. Sometimes it did, but not often.

So, after Paula finished working her miracles, I felt pretty. Rare occasion these days. Since my hair was done and my makeup had survived an extensive process involving shampoo, water, and a variety of chemicals we won’t get into here, I decided to go shopping for an Easter dress.

I found some dresses I liked, and early in the process, while I was still feeling pretty, this is what I thought I’d look like when I tried them on:


Okay–maybe not just like that. Those ladies are slender; I’m not anymore. I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost while I was sick, and while I’m not seriously fat, I do have a few pounds more than what I’m supposed to have for my age and height. Not bad, but a few.

So I had high hopes as I mussed my perfect hair trying to pull that unforgiving material over my head. I had my fingers crossed as I smoothed it over my hips. Then I looked in the mirror.

Who on God’s green earth thought spandex was a good material for women’s clothes? Seriously. I’m ready to flog him. Surely it’s not a her. Any woman who would do this to another woman is just cold and deserves a punishment far worse than flogging–like gaining 50 pounds and living the rest of her days in a mirrored house dressed her own designs.

Imagine this in red spandex:

I was totally demoralized. Totally.

Didn’t change things, though. I needed something for Easter.

I struggled out of the dress and donned my “real” clothes–made of denim and cotton. My hair flopped in my face; my mascara had smeared. My face looked pasty pale in the mirror.

I no longer felt pretty as I slunk back to the clothing racks and looked for a larger size or something not made of spandex or a spandex blend. I lowered my hopes from looking fabulous to “maybe no one would puke at the sight of me.”

A couple of the dresses I’d tried in the size I thought I was turned out not to be so bad in the larger size, but I was beginning to understand how Mom felt in the ’50s and ’60s, even though she’d never had to deal with spandex. I needed/need a floor-to-ceiling girdle. Or a whalebone corset. Or a return to the days when women wore bustles–I’d be right in style without having to put one on.

One of these days, fashion will go full swing, and we’ll return to those sensible shirt-waist dresses popular when I Love Lucy was still fresh on the airwaves. Okay, maybe not all fashion will return to it, but at least it could be an option again. And they’d be made of cotton, or a 70-30 cotton blend that doesn’t wrinkle.

Yeah. That’s what I want.

Who’s with me?!


About Linda W. Yezak

Author/Freelance Editor/Speaker (writing and editing topics).
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20 Responses to Who on God’s Green Earth?!

  1. silygoos says:

    Dress? I rarely will even wear a skirt. I’m working behind the scenes at church this weekend so it will be pants and comfy shoes for me for all the running around I’ll be doing. I did buy nicer pants though and tops that were springy at least. I hate shopping. I hate trying to find the right size and looking at myself in the mirror and hearing all the insults I’ve been told over the years about the body God gave me. So glad he looks at my heart and not my BMI and that he cares more about that then the size of my clothing or whether I look like a model. Sunday, when serving is all over, I’ll probably be going home and putting on blue jeans. I’m tired of trying to impress anyone. I will agree with the wrinkle free fabric though . . . although my husband says I’m the only person he knows that can still make his wrinkle free pants – have wrinkles. Thankfully he doesn’t care about that. Happy Resurrection Day, Linda!


  2. Lynn Mosher says:

    {sighing and waving} Me! Me, too! Well, I’m glad you got your hair fixed and felt better. Sorry about the clothes. I hate that, too. I have to lose some weight. I have too much for my small frame and bones. Nothing looks good. And I’m all for that floor-to-ceiling girdle. In fact, I have something close to it! But getting it on is like stretching a small rubberband over a large watermelon! And I’m all for all those comfy fabrics! Praying you find something that makes you look and feel gorgeous! 😀


    • I was tempted to buy a girdle, but I’m still scarred from watching Mom get into her’s–and she wasn’t that heavy back then. Creation of the devil, I tell ya–just like most of the styles today.


  3. Harliqueen says:

    Yeah, I think we definitely all get days like that 😀


  4. I had to go to a wedding last weekend, and went out the NIGHT BEFORE — WITH A TODDLER!!! — to find a dress for the wedding. Keep in mind, I have absolutely NO fashion sense, and wanted to stay within the $25 gift card someone had given me for my birthday. I found a dress with 6% spandex, tried it on, and felt like my baby tummy was still showing. But, it felt nice, and compared to another dress I’d tried on a few minutes earlier, it was modest. I figured I was bloated, and took it home. Thankfully, that was the case, and it ended up looking decent the next day… except a much thinner gal showed up wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS, just a different color, at the wedding! *sigh* Sometimes, you just can’t win.


  5. K.M. Weiland says:

    Hah! I hate clothes shopping. It’s only by luck that I ever actually find something I like.


  6. anemulligan says:

    Okay … floor to ceiling girdle caused a spew of coffee to hit my screen! LOVE it. But boy, do I know how you feel. I gave up dresses a long time ago. I go to the gym 3 times a week and STILL look like that rhino pictured here, I’ve given up. At my age, I’ve decided if I’m healthy, and I’m enjoying life, a size 12 isn’t that bad. But there’s no way I’ll stuff it in a dress. They aren’t made for my dimensions. Skirts and tops, okay. Maybe I’ll stencil a flower on my jeans. Would that work?


  7. Steph says:

    Oh! How I feel your pain! I’m short and well-rounded, everything’s too long and/or too tight. Near impossible to find something that looks cute. Is it too much to ask for something that doesn’t make one look like either a stuffed sausage or a kid trying on mom’s clothes? And trying to wear a skirt while running around after a toddler? How I miss the skorts of my youth!


  8. Lira Brannon says:

    This made me laugh out loud. I hate shopping for new clothes and rarely do and I am always surprised when I look in the mirror. Hmmm. That’s not how I see myself. So like you I opt for the jeans and cotton, more practical anyway for the variety in my life. If I dress up I throw on a blazer. I’m with the other ladies in this thread, forget fashion and embrace life instead.


  9. It is obvious we are all in the same fashion boat. And, now being an older person, it is even harder. I don’t want to look like an oldster trying to look younger. Sigh, and then add the extra pounds. However, I found a wonderful catalog that makes very comfortable / flattering clothes of good quality that last. The prices aren’t a bargain, but the comfort, style and long lasting quality make it all worth it. The company is Travel Smith. Love their clothes!


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